


Merry Christmas, Peter Parker

by TwiceBakedPotato



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Christmas Shopping, Cover Art, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Loki Does What He Wants, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 21:45:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2788862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwiceBakedPotato/pseuds/TwiceBakedPotato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it came down to it, Peter knew that it was all his fault. Life was particularly hectic, true, with tests and papers and finals. It was a lot of stress, and he let a lot of things slip by his notice. Maybe he was just on autopilot, going through the motions of life with his mind focused too much on achieving excellent grades and filing grant applications. Maybe he was neglecting the important things in life, like his family. Maybe that was why he was going to the police station with a headache that had Wade Wilson and May Parker written all over it. </p><p>Yeah. This was probably all his fault. But he was going to blame Wade anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Merry Christmas, Peter Parker

When it came down to it, Peter knew that it was all his fault. Life was particularly hectic, true, with tests and papers and finals. It was a lot of stress, and he let a lot of things slip by his notice. Maybe he was just on autopilot, going through the motions of life with his mind focused too much on achieving excellent grades and filing grant applications. Maybe he was neglecting the important things in life, like his family. Maybe that was why he was going to the police station with a headache that had Wade Wilson and May Parker written all over it.

Yeah. This was probably all his fault. But he was going to blame Wade anyway.

***

It wasn’t until Tuesday evening when Peter got home from a brutal day of finals that he realized he had completely neglected his home life. Because when he opened the door, his nostrils were filled with the scent of  pine and warm cinnamon, and his eyes were assaulted by strands and strands of Christmas lights that criss crossed the room in an obvious spiderweb pattern. At the center of the web was Wade in a pair of Rudolph boxer shorts, green elf slippers, and too-tight red t-shirt that really showed off his muscular body, with a candy cane dangling out of his mouth as he attempted to install a red and green disco ball.

In the corner of the room was a small Christmas tree. An actual tree, sitting in a five gallon bucket that used to have buttercream icing in it judging by the label. It was decorated with more tinsel than was logical, with a bunch of red and blue shiny balls hanging from the feeble branches. Fake snow was sprayed onto all the windows, almost covering them entirely, except for where Wade had written on the one over the couch with his finger, “PP & WW 4 EVA” with a little smiley faced snow man.

And Christmas music. Wade had it blaring from the computer speakers. Some kind of Bing Crosby meets Snoop Dogg medley with which Wade was merrily singing along.

Wade finished with the disco ball, and jumped down off the couch. He hooked his finger in the crook of the candy cane, stroking it between his lips as he thoughtfully observed his handiwork. Then he noticed Peter standing by the door, and his eyes went wide as he grinned and excitedly bounced over to him with a shout of, “Welcome home, baby boy!”

“Whaa…” Peter tried to speak, but was cut off when peppermint lips silenced him. Maybe it was the lights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, or just the absolute sensory overload, but Peter decided it was the best idea in the world to drop his bag and latch onto Wade, who was licking into his mouth with a candy-flavored tongue. He grabbed two handfuls of merc-ass, reaching under the band of those ridiculous boxers, discovering that Wade was also wearing a string thong beneath them. He let out a whimper, feeling his week of focus slipping through his fingers like a feeble strand of satin.

“Missed you,” Wade whispered against his lips.

Peter was having trouble with his higher brain functions, and could only manage to breathe the word, “Uh.” Not really a word. Just a syllable that should have belonged in a group of words regarding all the things that Peter needed to be doing that wasn’t biting Wade’s thong and grinding against his hip like a teenage boy who just discovered boners are fun and like to be rubbed.

But it was Wade who seemed to be the functioning adult. Or maybe he was just oblivious to the wood raging below Peter’s belt, because he suddenly broke away from Peter’s lips, and spread his arms as he said, “Whaddaya think?”

“Uh…” Peter was really having trouble keeping up. Probably because all the blood that was normally in his brain was eagerly inflating Peter Junior, and Wade stuck that damned candy cane back in his mouth, stroking it so that his lips were candied and shiny. And goddammit, Peter had been a good boy for like an entire week. He’d been amazingly good, spending his days in school or in his home office, toiling constantly to make sure that he passed all his finals and impressed all the department heads, and now… Now, when the week was nearing an end, Wade had become the king of distraction.

Not that Wade wasn’t normally the King of Distraction. There was never a dull moment with the Merc with a Mouth. He was always doing something that either generated a large mess or involved a lot of paperwork---or both. Ever since Wade started working exclusively for SHIELD, he had a much more normal work routine. He wouldn’t vanish without a trace for weeks on end without word of his whereabouts. Instead, he would go out on missions with a team of agents, and once those missions were finished, he would always have at least a week--sometimes up to a month of downtime.

At first, Wade couldn’t handle the boredom, and would end up doing taking side jobs that nearly caused him to lose his position with SHIELD. Peter was personally responsible for getting Wade to put his restless energy to good use by taking him out on patrol. It felt like a gamble, because Spiderman and Deadpool hadn’t exactly been friends throughout the years. There was a lot of bad blood between them, but Peter could tell that Wade was trying. During those patrols, Peter got to know Wade on a personal level, got to understand the man behind the mask. And once he did, he found it impossible not to fall in love.

It was weird at first. Awkward. And Peter actually feared it was something one-sided because Wade had joked for years about his ass, calling him “sweetums” and “baby boy”, declaring them to be lovers and other insanity. So he let it ride, kept his thoughts to himself. They started spending more and more time together outside of patrols. Then a night of playing Rainbow Six turned into rampant kissing that turned into a weekend of sex and a lot of missed phone calls. Apparently there was a small alien invasion that went by without their notice, something to do with an Asgardian god and Tony going through a portal. All Peter knew was the tower was wrecked and Wade left his place walking funny.

Things went on like that for a while. Wade would leave on missions, and show up a couple weeks later at Peter’s window, and the two would either jump into bed or down to the street to start patrolling. Either way, they spent all their time together. It only seemed natural that they would decide to live together. Peter liked it for selfish reasons: Guaranteed sex and his bills cut in half.

But Wade, Peter discovered, hadn’t had a permanent home for a very long time--since before he and Nathan Summers were a thing. He had storage units for his weaponry and occasionally crashed with either Bob or Weasel. For a while, he was sleeping in crime scenes and breaking into abandoned houses, which Peter found incredibly sad. When Wade moved in, he didn’t bring much with him. No personal pictures or items, other than his clothes. For a while, he seemed more like a guest than a resident.

Slowly, Wade started to accumulate things that made him feel at home. He started projects, like building shelves for the office and sewing a large quilt with no apparent pattern. There was also an amazing assortment of kitchen utensils that Peter couldn’t identify that occupied the room that housed the refrigerator and microwave. Up until Wade moved in, Peter had never used the stove or oven. He’d never bought food that required more preparation than cutting the film or placing it on a paper plate to be heated. But Wade. Wade could cook, and when Wade was gone on missions, Peter really missed the amazing food.

Which was a very long-winded way of saying that Peter was happy to see that Wade felt comfortable enough to completely transform the living room into his version of Christmas Town. However, it was obvious that Wade couldn’t hear all of this internal cheering, because he was feeling Peter’s forehead like he was sick.

With a laugh, Peter shook his head, and said, “It’s wonderful Wade.”

Wade beamed a smile, returning his candy cane to the corner of his mouth. “I figured I might as well get in the spirit of things with tomorrow and all.”

There was a look of confusion on Peter’s face. He went through a quick list of all the possible things that “tomorrow” could mean, but the only thing on his mind had to do with chemistry labs and he was certain that Christmas was still a few days away…

“Shopping?” Wade said after Peter had been silent a little too long.

Peter was still confused. “Shopping…”

Wade chuckled. “With Miss May.”

Peter blinked. It felt like Wade was speaking a foreign language, which wouldn’t be a first because Wade often spoke foreign languages, usually when they were mid-coitus. When he did it at those times, Peter found it absolutely erotic. But at this moment, he was almost certain he could understand, because the words sounded so familiar. Shopping with Miss May…

“You’re going shopping with Aunt May?” Peter said once his brain got blood flowing in it again.

Wade nodded like this was an incredibly well known fact. “Yeah, Peter. It was kind of your idea.”

“My idea…” Peter was again trying to recall what he had missed.

“Yeah?” Wade took a deep breath, and said, “Aunt May called last week, wanted you to go shopping with her, but you have all the finals and tests and scholarly shit to do, and you suggested I go with her and she got all excited and squealed really loud into the phone, and we’ve been exchanging texts and shit like that for a week planning this extravaganza of familial bonding and holiday commerce.”

Peter felt a strange, cold chill sweep down his spine. He was at a complete loss as to how he was supposed to respond to this revelation that apparently everyone knew about but him. Which is why Peter ended up repeating, “You’re going shopping with Aunt May?”

“Keep up, Peter,” Wade said with a slowly fading smile. “You really… You didn’t know?”

He fish-mouthed a couple times, and ran a hand through his messy hair. “I…I guess I’ve been busy.”

“Apparently,” Wade said, obviously amused. He hooked a finger in Peter’s waistband and tugged him against his chest. He raised an eyebrow as his hand slid down to cup Peter’s softening erection. “I think you need to unwind.”

Peter shook his head. “No. We need to talk about this. Right now. You… I… I don’t…”

“Nope.” Wade kissed the tip of his nose, and grabbed a handful of Petey butt. “It’s obvious my little Spidey needs a break.” He nipped at Peter’s ear, and added in a low voice, “Come to think of it, little Spidey has had a fairly long break--if you’ll pardon the euphemism--because we both know that the only thing little about Little Spidey is---”

“Wade!” Peter practically shouted, cutting off the man’s ramble.

Wade closed his mouth and looked at him expectantly. “Yes, sweetums?”

Peter was on the verge of some sort of panic attack. He could feel it. Why, he didn’t know. Wade, for all his antics, was Aunt May’s favorite person, and Wade felt the same about her. Since they finally met, they talked frequently on the phone or text and Wade never missed family dinner night (unless he was out of town on a mission). Peter trusted Wade with everything; with his identity, with his back, with his body. But trusting him to go shopping with Aunt May? Alone? Without supervision? It almost felt like asking for trouble.

But then again, Peter knew that Wade would be hurt if he said he didn’t want Wade to go shopping with Aunt May. Then there was the fact that Aunt May would probably kill Peter. Because as mentioned, Aunt May was very much a fan of Wade. She adored him, and made special effort to make sure that Wade felt like he was part of the family. And really, nothing says “you’re part of the family” quite like solo Christmas shopping trips with a mother figure.

Peter was between a rock and a hard place. He knew this.

After taking a deep breath, he kissed Wade, and said, “I’m sorry, babe. I really am. I… I’ve been so distracted by everything, I… I’m sorry.”

Wade smoothed his hands up and down Peter’s arms, soft smile on his face. “I know. It’s okay, Peter. I’ve got your back. If you want me to cancel, I’ll cancel. It’s okay.”

“No!” Peter bit his lip, enjoying the taste of peppermint that lingered. “No. I… You should go with her. I know she’ll love it, and you’ll love it.” He laughed, feeling his face heat up. “I guess I’m not used to you and Aunt May hanging out together. I’ve never had… You’re kind of the first person to get inside my inner circle.”

As soon as the words left Peter’s mouth, Peter winced because Wade never passed up a chance for a joke. There was a twitch of the corner of Wade’s mouth and his eyebrow quirked up, but instead of a joke, Wade cleared his throat, and said, “You’re the first person to let me into their, uh, inner circle, too.”

Peter smiled. Wade smiled. Then Wade snickered and burst into a fit of laughter that had him doubled over holding his stomach and tears streaming down his face. Peter tried to fight it, but he ended up laughing too. What else could he do?

When Wade finally regained his composure, he patted Peter on the butt and said, “Come on. Let’s eat something so you can recharge your brain cells.”

“You’re not gonna try to seduce me?” Peter said almost petulantly.

Wade grinned. “I don’t have to try, baby boy. I just don’t what you passing out on me when I do.”

Later that night, after food and sex and some post coital studying, Peter decided that he had no reason to worry. Wade might be unpredictable, but he cared. No doubt Wade and May were going to have a great time together. Wade would be on his best behavior because it was Aunt May. Really, what could possibly go wrong?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the cover art all on my lonesome. I'm learning how to color things digitally. :)


	2. Not Without My Deadpool

Wade woke to the sound of “The Flying Nun” theme music, and he knew instantly that he had somehow overslept. He grabbed the phone as he grabbed his pants, and said, “Holy shi--shoot!! I’m sorry, Miss May. I’ve overslept and I’m a terrible person.”

May was laughing on the other end. “Just buzz me in the building. It’s cold out here.”

With one leg in his jeans, Wade hopped to the door and hit the button, then unlocked the door so May could come in while he got dressed. He trip-walked back to the bedroom and closed the door, hoping against hope that there wasn’t anything embarrassing out in the living room because he hadn’t got up to clean like he planned. He had a vague memory of Peter trying to wake him before he left for the university, but Wade was sometimes as easy to wake as a hibernating bear.

By the time he found his combat boots and decided on a t-shirt, May was in the kitchen brewing a pot of coffee. The aroma was distracting, almost as distracting as trying to remember if Peter said “no guns” or “no buns” when he left. Wade had to admit that “no guns” made more sense, considering that Peter really hated that he took at least one firearm everywhere he went. But “no buns” sounded funnier in his head, and he really wanted to send Peter a text having to do with anacondas wanting some. He sent the text anyway, and left the hardware in the secret compartment in the closet.

May had a cup of coffee in her hand when Wade stepped out of the bedroom. He was dressed in dark-wash blue jeans, a pink My Little Bronie shirt, red and black hoodie, and had his coat hanging over his arm with boots dangling from his hand. May grinned at him, and said, “Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

“My alarm didn’t go off,” Wade said as he sat on the couch. “Admittedly, I didn’t set it. Actually, I don’t know how to set it. I just had to replace my phone because of a work-related accident, and I’ve never used an Apple product. As far as intuitive technology goes, I have no fu--freaking clue how to use it. Other than that, I figured I’d be up anyway because I tend to be an early riser, but I kind of went to extremes trying to impress your beloved nephew last night, and while I’m excessively athletic, I--”

“Stop,” May said, holding up her free hand. “I love you. And I love Peter. But there are some things I don’t need to know.”

Wade snorted, and said, “I’ll have you know I was not being perverse, Miss May-Have-a-Dirty-Mind.” He grinned and gestured to the room. “I was decorating, you philistine. I swear. All this time, I’ve thought you were a dainty little flower. Now I’m starting to see where Peter gets it.”

May glared at him, still laughing. “Philistine?”

“Philistine, as in someone who doesn’t appreciate the arts. And this living room is an artistic motherfu--uh…” Wade cleared his throat, and rephrased, “It was an exercise in artistic expression.”

May nodded as she looked around the room. “I particularly like the disco spider web. Looks like a great place to smoke a doob.”

Wade’s eyes went comically wide. “Miss May!”

“What?” she said innocently, though her cheeks were turning pink. “I’m old, Wade. I was at Woodstock. And I may or may not have been one of the ones who took the brown acid.”

Wade snorted a laugh. “Oh my sweet Watcher, Miss May-Be-A-Rebel-Hippie! I did not--DID NOT--see that coming. And I’m seldom surprised. You are surprising me. I like it. Does Peter know of these wild-child stories? Am I about to be sworn to secrecy?”

“What happens on a Christmas shopping spree, stays on a Christmas shopping spree,” May said, giggling.

“Should I be worried?” Wade said as he tied his boot. “I mean, Peter pretty much told me that if anything happens to you, I’m more or less toast, and not in the breakfast and butter nor the midnight New Years variety. I kind of don’t like the toast he was suggesting.”

May gulped the last of her coffee, and waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. My wild child days are behind me. I’m too old to raise hell anymore.”

“Somehow, I doubt that,” Wade said as he stood and grabbed his jacket. He checked to make sure he had his wallet and keys, before asking, “You ready for this?”

“I was born ready,” she said as she hopped up to her feet and wrapped her cream colored scarf around her neck.

Wade cocked his head to the side, and said, “You know when you said that, you made me think of Sally Field in Smokey and the Bandit.”

May laughed, and walked to the door. “Come on, Wade. Let’s get this show on the road.”

Wade shrugged into his coat, adjusting his hood and pulling on his fingerless gloves. He still felt like he was missing something with the distinct lack of guns and knives and grenades. No pouches. He really loved his pouches, but there was no need for pouches when shopping for Christmas presents.

Snow had fallen overnight, replacing the black slush with a white blanket that had local people cursing and tourists feeling like they were in the middle of a postcard. Wade linked arms with May as they walked away from the salted stoop.

Because of the snow, May opted to leave her car at home and took a cab to Wade and Peter’s apartment. Due to a tradition that went back to the early days of May and Ben Parker’s marriage, they were taking the subway into Manhattan.

The first stop on their itinerary was the Grand Central Holiday Fair.  

May was on the hunt for a few unique items for her knitting club. They stopped at a few jewelry vendors, and Wade modeled a couple brooches, paying extra close attention to the things that May liked, buying a few of them when she wasn’t looking. He had no idea what to get her, which was another reason he was happy to be on this mission.

They drew a few funny looks when Wade let out a squeal upon seeing Spiderman lederhosen. The next big find of the day was a chocolate vendor who sold Avengers chocolates, one each of Ironman, Captain America, Thor, and Hulk. He was almost annoyed that there was no Black Widow, because Natasha was nothing but awesome. Then he noticed that the chocolatier had built a foot tall statue of the super spy, and Wade felt like all was right with the world. He ended up buying a set of the Avengers chocolates to put in the grab bag of the Agency X Christmas Party.  

“Do you have any idea what Peter would like?” May asked as they entered a nook of knit-wear. “I always tend to get him useful things, because he was always shows up with holes in his shirts. But I’ve noticed he’s a little less disheveled since you came along.”

Wade shrugged. “I’m not really sure. I was kind of hoping I would spot something today that just screamed ‘Peter’. Okay, well maybe not actually screaming. That would probably be creepy and I would question my sanity. But you know what I mean.”

May nodded. “I used to buy him sciencey things. Chemistry sets, robot kits, things like that. But he’s all grown up, and I’m kind of lost.”

There was a hint of sadness in her voice, and Wade put an arm around her. “No worries, Miss May. With your sweet rebel heart and my love of the absurd, we will find the perfect gift for our baby boy.”

She laughed at that, and said, “We could always go back to the lederhosen.”

“Don’t tempt me.” Wade turned back to the wall of knitted hats, and spotted one that was made to look like a sock monkey. He snatched it off the rack and tucked it onto May’s head. “I think that’s perfect for you.”

“Oh, I think we need this,” May said as she reached into a display of scarves, pulling out a dark gray one that had--much to Wade’s shock and amazement--a Deadpool logo knitted on the ends. Then Wade’s eyes went a little wide when she looped it around his neck.

Wade looked down at the scarf, several things running through his head. Why would anyone make this? Why would Miss May grab this? It’s so soft! I should totally license these. He looked at May, and asked, “Why would you pick…?”

May grinned and said,  “I think it’s cute that you don’t think I know these things.”

Wade was feeling light headed all of a sudden. “Uh...You know?”

May raised an eyebrow. “Know what?”

“Um…” Wade looked down at the scarf, and decided to try to play it cool despite completely failing at being cool. “About Deadpool?”

She laughed and patted his forearm. “Oh, Wade. We all have a favorite in this city. Personally, I’m a Captain America girl. Something about that man’s ample patriotism just makes me think star-spangled thoughts, if you get my meaning.”

Wade laughed. “Did you just make a pervy joke about Cap?”

“I’m old, not dead,” May said as she pulled the scarf off Wade’s neck and walked to the register.

***

They left Grand Central, May in the sock monkey hat and Wade in his new scarf in search of noodles and spring rolls, blissfully unaware that they were being watched from the shadows by a lean figure in green and gold.

 


	3. A Woman of Independent Memes

Snow was again falling by the time Wade and May had their bowls of noodles. They found a table by the windows and dug into their food while enjoying some very quality people watching. If there was one thing that New York was perfect for, it absolutely was seeing the incredible variety of very unique individuals. This close to Christmas, there was an abundance of street performers and tourist groups in interesting matching outfits.

Of course, the one that was the most fascinating to Wade was the group wearing lederhosen and playing polka versions of Christmas songs. Both he and May stopped to take a few pictures, and Wade discovered that May had an Instagram account.  That little bit of information was amusing to the merc, especially when she handed him her phone and he started flipping through her pictures. She had a thing for taking pictures of three-legged kittens and rusty things. He was laughing and awww-ing, at least until he got to pictures from Thanksgiving.

There were just so many of him.  Like three.

“How did you ninja these pictures?” Wade asked, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. Wade hated having his picture taken. But he loved Miss May, and he didn’t want to be angry when he knew that she didn’t take his picture to be mean.

May shrugged. “You two were too wrapped up in gazing longingly in each other’s eyes.”

Wade stopped on one that was of him pointing a forkful of apple pie at Peter’s face, with Peter holding up a spoon in defense.  Peter looked happy, like he was practically glowing from the inside. And Wade… Well, Wade’s ugly face was in the picture, but still he looked happy.

“That one’s my favorite,” May said, peeking at his phone. “I have that one for your contact picture. You look so handsome.”

“When was the last time you had your eyes checked?” Wade snapped, and immediately felt like an asshole because of the look May gave him. Not mad, but surprised. Not good surprised, either. He covered his eyes with his hand, and sighed, “Shi--shoot. I’m… I’m sorry. I just… I don’t like having my picture taken.”

“Don’t apologize.” May sighed. “I should be the one apologizing. The last thing I wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry Wade.”

“It’s okay.” Wade frowned down at his noodles as the first uncomfortable silence settled between him and May Parker. He felt like a jerk, and wanted to say something that would remove any guilt from May; it’s not her fault he doesn’t like his face. Besides, normal families take pictures all the time, right? Shouldn’t he feel good that he’s now part of a normal thing like that?

He cleared his throat, and said, “Uh… You take really good pictures, though. I see where Peter gets it.” He stirred his noodles, and said, “Peter… He’s always trying to take my picture. I never let him.” He looked at May. “Did you send those to him?”

“No,” she said with a small smile.

“You should,” Wade said, still staring at his noodles. “He’d probably like them.”

May nudged his knee under the table, and said, “You know why he’d like them?”

Wade just looked at her.

“Because he loves you,” May said.

Wade huffed a laugh. “Love is blind, right?”

She rolled her eyes. “You are impossible, you know that?”

“It’s been said.” Wade smiled, and chased the last noodles around the bottom of his bowl. “I guess I am pretty irresistible, with my razor-sharp wit, incredible body, and gigantic swinging--”

“Wade!”

“--collection of paper birds.” Wade chuckled, and said, “I swear, Miss May. You have your mind in the gutter. You make me feel like a little angel. I need a bell to ring so I can get my wings and fly away from these sinful thoughts you’re having.”

May laughed and shook her head, poking his arm with her chopsticks. “You ready to get out of here, Mr. Angel?”

“Absolutely.” Wade grabbed her bowl and headed to the trash by the door to discard their chopsticks and napkins, and ran right in to a black-haired woman in a long green coat. It was almost like she materialized out of the aether.

She narrowed her ice-blue eyes, and said, “Why don’t you watch where you’re going!”

“Sorry,” Wade said, holding up his hands in surrender.

She looked him up and down, and huffed. “You certainly look sorry. Just as bad as those idiot beggars out on the street. Maybe you should stumble into them.”

Wade was about to say something very rude, but May beat him to it. She stepped up to the woman, who was a good foot taller with the gold heels she wore, and snapped, “It was a simple mistake. No need to be a bitch.”

Wade’s eyes went wide, and the woman huffed and walked to the counter. May turned towards Wade as she was buttoning her coat, and seeing the look on his face, she said, “What?”

“You just…” He pointed towards the dark haired woman, then scratched the back of his head. “I’ve never heard you use a curse-nasty word like that. I feel like my sweet virgin ears have been assaulted.”

May rolled her eyes and laughed. “I swear, Wade. You think you and Peter invented expletives? Come on. Break-time’s over.”

Outside, the snow was falling in earnest. Wade pulled his hood over his head and put an arm around May to shield her from the wind that was whipping down through the streets. This sudden influx of cold and misery felt almost out of place, and everyone seemed to be struggling to compensate.

Wade and May ducked into a department store, shivering and happy to get out of the weather. May grabbed a facility map, and they discussed where they wanted to go first. Meanwhile, others started coming inside to escape the sudden cold--including the so-called “beggars” the woman in green had referenced. They were not exactly beggars, either. They were a group of teens who were collecting toys for the children’s hospital. The group situated themselves off to the side of the door, one of the oldest taking a head count, while a few of the younger ones handed out lists to the passing shoppers.

“I’ll take one of those,” Wade said as he approached. The kid was short, with black hair and a ratty green coat. His eyes went a little wide upon seeing Wade’s face. “Don’t worry, kid. It’s not contagious.”

“Sorry, sir,” he said. His voice carried an unusual accent. He held out a list to Wade, and said, “And thank you, sir.”

Wade looked at the kid for a moment, feeling like he should know him for some reason. It was the ice-blue eyes and sort of mischievous way he smiled. After an awkward moment, Wade walked back to May, who was smiling at him like he had done something magical.

“What?” he asked after a moment.

“You big softie,” May said as she looped her arm with his.

He shrugged. “It’s the holidays, right? Gotta get my do-gooder stuff out of the way before the end of the year. I got a lifetime supply of coal for all my years of being a shit head. I’m shooting for something awesome this year. Like maybe a bowtie, because bowties are cool.”

“Oh, hush.” She took the list, looking over the items. “We could probably get a few of these.”

Wade nodded.

Two hours later, he and May were back by the entrance with pretty much one of everything on the list. Wade had taken care of the bill, despite May’s protests which turned into fond looks as they walked towards the doors, only to find an altercation unfolding between a man in a suit flanked by two security guards and the sponsor for the kids’ group.

“We have permission,” the sponsor said. “We do this every year.”

The suit nodded, and said, “I’m sorry. We’ve had a complaint from one of our customers. It’s a pretty serious complaint of harassment. And I’m sorry, we just can’t have that.”

The sponsor was wringing his hands. “I just don’t understand why you can’t at least tell me which kid it was and we’ll handle it without penalizing the entire group.”

That was when the dark haired woman in the long green coat--the same one from the noodle place--stepped up. Her icy eyes fixed on the sponsor, and said, “If you could handle this, one of your brats wouldn’t have gotten out of line.”

Wade took that moment to enter the conversation, a smile on his face as he set his bags down. He looked directly at the woman, again struck by the odd accent she had. So familiar, just like her ice-blue eyes.

Then it clicked in his brain, and Wade said, “Loki.”

“Excuse me?” the suit said.

“Okie dokie,” Wade said, his eyes still fixed on Loki. Damn shape-shifting Asgardian trickster bastard… Focus, he had to focus. The last thing he wanted was to have his identity revealed at that very moment, especially to Aunt May who might be cool with him being a fan of Deadpool, but might not be amused to find out he was in fact Deadpool. He cleared his throat and forced himself to look at the sponsor. “We got some stuff to donate.”

“Thanks,” the sponsor--Lawrence--said, accepting the bags. “Really, sir, ma’am. Thank you very much.”

Loki swept back his--her--long black hair, and said, “I didn’t think you would take me seriously, scarface.”

Wade narrowed his eyes, and turned his attention back to the suit. “You shouldn’t make these kids leave. They’re doing something good. You don’t wanna be responsible for a bunch of poor kids not getting anything for Christmas on the basis of one rude lady with a superiority complex complaining, do you?”

“We also don’t want a lawsuit,” the suit said. He was wearing a nametag, but Wade didn’t give a fuck about his name.

Loki looked too amused, standing behind the suit fiddling with her gold necklace, looking directly at Wade as if daring him to do something about it. But Wade wasn’t good at solving situations by peaceful means.

But that was when his rebellious companion, who may or may not have the superpower to surprise the hell out of him on a regular basis, stepped up and said, “This feels like classism, Mr. Reinhardt.”

Reinhardt, the suit, looked at May, and said, “This doesn’t have to become a scene, ma’am.”

“Oh, I think you’ve already made it a scene.” May walked over to Lawrence the sponsor, and said something that Wade couldn’t hear. The sponsor nodded, a smile spreading his face.

“Everyone, take a seat,” Lawrence said to the kids. The kids did as instructed, sitting on the floor, making sure they were out of the way of the doors. May joined them, and she gestured for Wade to join her, which he did.

“You can’t do this,” Reinhardt said, a look of horror crossing his face. “I will be forced to call the police.”

“And we’ll be forced to call the press,” Lawrence answered.

 **  
**May grinned at Reinhardt. “My nephew is a reporter for the Daily Bugle. Just let me make a phone call.”


	4. Aye for an Aye

The kids all seemed to take to rebellion like a fish takes to water. They were singing Christmas carols and collecting enough donations to fill a box truck, mostly due to Wade sending out a Tweet to the loyal followers of @ReformedDeadpool, (The Trickster is ruining Xmas! Need backup @ Lowry Mall. Bring toys for sick kids. xoxo DP). Suddenly the building was full of people in red and black, some carrying signs attached to large plastic candy canes that said “Loki Sucks!” and “Odin is Nigh”. The cosplayers antics attracted a lot of attention, and after about an hour, “#MerryDPXmas” was trending.

Wade had a lot of followers.

There were also a few bloggers showing up, along with members of the actual press. Lawrence was giving interviews with a few of them, pledging to send the excess toys to all the surrounding hospitals because there has been such an outpouring of support. He even thanked the Deadpool following, which made Wade kind of swell with pride.

Even if, deep down, Wade was certain that Peter was going to kill him. Considering his healing factor, Peter could kill him over and over again in ever more inventive and painful ways until he was completely satisfied that Wade had been properly punished. But really, this wasn’t his fault. He was certain of this. He was framed. He was set up. But he also knew that no one was going to believe him that Loki was the culprit.

Especially since he was supposed to be in an Asgardian prison. Or dead. Shit…

It didn’t help that Peter sent Wade a text asking how things were going. Wade saw the text, stared at the picture of Peter that popped up on the screen. A picture that Wade had taken while they were laying in bed together. The light coming through was perfect. Peter looked like he was glowing, with that little smile on his lips as he slept.  

Wade tapped out a quick response. Participating in an act of civil disobedience. Aunt May and the Trickster made me do it. I love you.

LOL. I have one more test. Love you too, was the response.

Wade looked at May, who was standing with a couple of the Deadpools while a third Deadpool took her picture. He was too busy looking at her to notice the kid that sat down beside him, who finally nudged his arm.

It was the same kid that gave him the flier, and as soon as Wade met his ice-blue eyes, Wade said, “You little shit. Why are you doing this?”

Loki smiled. “Just to see how you would play my little game.”

Wade’s brow furrowed. “Game?”

“Oh, you know.” Loki held up a finger for each instance. “Our little encounter in the restaurant, my gentle nudging towards these beggars, creating a disturbance to allow you to play hero, which--might I add--you do with amazing gusto.”

“You’re an asshole.” Wade replied with a sneer.

“How so?” Loki asked. “As I look around, these children are surpassing their goals and you are getting an abundance of good press via your loyal army of nerds. I’m far from an asshole, especially since I won’t get any credit for making this happen.”

Wade glared at him. “I don’t like being manipulated. Especially by a dead man. And don’t disparage the Deadpool Corps. They may be nerds, but they’re nerds with a good heart. Additionally, if it wasn’t for me and Miss May stepping in, you would have ruined these kids’ project.”

Loki shrugged. “Had you not been present, I wouldn’t have got the idea.” Loki smiled at him with his boyish face, and said, “I doubt many would have done what you did, Wade.”

“I’m trying to change my ways,” Wade said.

Loki nodded. “I would say that you have succeeded, considering you haven’t shot or maimed me.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Wade snapped.

Loki grinned. “Forgive me, Wade. Now, I have one final thing to do, and I shall be on my way. Father always gets so cross when I disappear from my cell for too long.”

Suddenly, the space beside Wade was empty, and Wade knew that something was going to happen soon. Loki wasn’t going to just walk away and let Wade have an easy rest of the night. Especially after seeming to concede defeat. That just wasn’t the trickster’s style.

Still, Loki was right about one thing. Wade managed to be prodded into doing something good. Not even prodded, really. Just pointed in a direction, and instead of turning away and ignoring things, he chose to act. Not just him, either. May was right there with him.

So Wade got off the floor and found May, who was talking with Lawrence. He smiled and politely pulled her away and said in a low voice, “I have a feeling that this is about to become less peaceful.”

May gave him a worried look. “Why?”

“Remember the mean lady in the green coat?” Wade said with a frown.

“How can I forget. I wanted to slap that smug look off her face,” May said with a wave of her hand for emphasis. Honestly, Wade wanted to see May lay her smack down on Loki.

Putting that mental image aside, he said, “I just have a feeling that she’s going to pull some strings. She seems like the trickster type.”

May patted him on the shoulder, and said, “Don’t worry.”

**  
  
**

***

“Peter’s going to kill me,” Wade said as he was pushed into the back seat of the police cruiser.

May was sitting beside him, her hands cuffed behind her back. Smiling. She was smiling. “If he even says one unkind word to you, I’ll box his ears.”

Wade looked at her. “You are aware that we are currently going to jail, right? I know people have interesting things on their bucket lists--mine is probably climbing the Washington Monument naked--but I doubt it’s your biggest dream to be arrested with your nephews boyfriend because of a fight in a department store.”

May just laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Wade said, tone serious.

“The fact you think this is the first time I’ve been arrested is hilarious,” she said, laughing harder as Wade’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my sweet Odin!” Wade shook his head, and said, “I think you and I need to have a talk about your rebel nature, Miss May-Be-A-Total-Badass. I don’t know about all this. I feel I’m being corrupted somehow.”

“Quiet!” the cop in the passenger’s seat snapped.

Wade snorted. “Forgive me, officer. But just because I have the right to be silent, doesn’t mean I will be exercising that right tonight. I have a tendency to be a little chatty. Especially when I’m nervous and in handcuffs. Just ask my boyfriend.”

“Wade!” May gasped.

“Oh, don’t you start now. You’re no sweet little vanilla sundae,” Wade said, his eyebrow raised. “This was supposed to be a day of familial bonding and friendship. I haven’t gone to jail with a friend since I was a teenager. I don’t know about all this. I think you’re getting a striped jumpsuit for Christmas.”

The officer shouted for them to be quiet again, and May just laughed.

They arrived at the police station, and were taken to processing. Considering the amount of items they had on their persons due to shopping, it took a bit to get through booking. Suddenly Wade was very happy that he took Peter’s advice about leaving the guns at home. The officer fingerprinting him seemed confused by the way the scars formed strange patterns in the ink unlike anything they’d seen before. Then there was some frustration when they were photographing him for his mugshot because he kept making ridiculous faces.

Next he was put through a cursory medical screening. They took his blood pressure, temperature, and inquired about his exposure to any communicable diseases. And finally, he was taken to a holding room, where May was also seated, still looking like she was on cloud nine instead of waiting for their turn for arraignment.

Part of him was actually kind of anxious, considering the life he’d led up to this point. Wade wouldn’t be surprised if he had some outstanding warrant somewhere from a crime he didn’t remember committing but probably did. Except all of that was supposedly expunged from his record when he signed on working with SHIELD. Still, he didn’t like the idea of being confined. And the longer he sat in that room, the more anxious he became.

Wade was sort of dreading making the call to Peter and was considering calling Bob instead. Except Bob wasn’t the one he wanted to see. He wanted to talk to Peter, even if Peter was going to be angry. There was a payphone in the waiting area, but he was too anxious. He needed to calm down first.

“Wade?” May’s voice said through the ever more dismal thoughts. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Wade gave her a feeble smile and sighed. “I just feel kind of bad that this is the way this day turned out. Even if, you know, it’s for good reasons.”

“It was kind of fun to duel with that security guard,” May said with a grin.

The Security guard in question was another face of Loki. He approached to make the Deadpools clear out and quickly got aggressive. Wade immediately stepped in, stealing a candy cane sign from one of the fleeing cosplayers to prod Loki back. May joined in a little too cheerfully, and next thing they knew they were both being arrested on the charge of assault.

“We’re in so much trouble,” Wade said in defeat. “I mean, you’ll probably be good to go. But I may have serious repercussions for participating in a candy-caning of a security guard, even if the guy was being a dick.”

May patted him on the knee, and said, “Call Peter. You’ll feel better.”

“He’s going to kill me.” Wade looked at May. “Have you called him?”

“No.” She laughed, and said, “Because he’s going to kill me when he finds out what happened.”

Wade snorted. “Yeah. You kind of were the instigator, Miss May.” After a minute of silence, Wade sighed and got to his feet. “Guess I better get this over.”

“You’ll be fine, sweetheart. Don’t worry,” May said confidently.

Wade started towards the phone, then paused and asked, “So if he kicks me out, can I sleep on your couch?”

May grinned. “You can have the guest bedroom for as long as it takes for him to get his head out of his ass.”

“You and your mouth, I swear,” Wade said, shaking his head as he walked to the payphone.

 


	5. Homeward Bound

Peter came through the door of the apartment with a sigh of relief, tossing his keys into the dish by the door and immediately going to the kitchen to grab a slice of leftover pizza before flopping down on the couch. It had been a hell of a day, and all he wanted to do was relax. Maybe talk Wade into giving him one of his epic shoulder rubs. The man had magic in his fingers.

It was going on 8 o’clock when Peter’s phone rang. And it was a “ring” sounding like an old-fashioned rotary phone, the tone he used for unknown callers. He frowned at it and decided to let it go to voicemail. If it was important, he could always call back. He got up to grab another slice of pizza and heard the chime when he was closing the fridge.

He dialed “1” and chewed while listening to the automated voice inform him he had one new message.

He nearly choked when he heard Wade’s voice.

“Hey, baby boy! Uh...Guess what? I am kinda sorta a guest of the NYPD at the moment. But don’t worry, May is with me. Uh… We’re going to be arraigned pretty soon, so… Well, you might wanna stop by an ATM before you get here. Good news is we finished our Christmas shopping, and might be slightly internet famous.” There was a pause, and Peter was certain a vein was about to burst in his forehead, at least until Wade said, “I’m really sorry. And… I understand if you’re pissed. Just… Come down here. I need you.”

Peter leaned against the wall, clutching his phone so hard the screen flickered. He took a few deep breaths, trying to find his inner calm. But his mind was fixed on the fact that his boyfriend and his aunt were in jail.

With a heavy sigh, Peter got out his Avengers communicator and dialed the number for Wade’s handler, Agent Adsits. The SHIELD agent answered on the first ring, and immediately said, “I’m aware of the situation, Mr. Parker.”

“Seriously?” Peter said, confused. “How…”

“It is kind of on the internet,” Adsits answered. “Also, I follow Wade’s Twitter account.”

Peter pinched the bridge of his nose. He had a headache starting. “Where is he right now? He kind of left that bit of information off his message.”

Adsits gave him the address, and said, “You really shouldn’t be angry about this, Peter. There were extenuating circumst--”

“Don’t care,” Peter snapped. “I really don’t care. Just work your magic, whatever you need to do. I’m heading down to the courthouse to retrieve my delinquent family.”

The trip downtown gave Peter plenty of time to review the activity of @ReformedDeadpool, which led to scanning through the posts of #MerryDPXmas. There was a YouTube video of the actual arrest, which severely altered Peter’s entire view of his aunt. Nothing wipes away certain assumptions quite like seeing a sixty-some year old woman swinging a plastic candy cane at a security guard in defense of a Deadpool cosplayer.

Really, Peter was still trying to figure out at what point he became the mature one in his family. Wade, he understood. Wade was Wade, and there was nothing anyone could do about that. But Aunt May… The woman should know better.

After maneuvering his way through the courthouse, Peter arrived just as Wade and May were taken up to the judge. Agent Adsits was with them. He was short, balding, and very businesslike. He quickly approached the bench, and after a short conversation, the judge announced that the charges were dropped. Peter breathed a sigh of relief once the gavel came down. Then he watched in amazement as May threw her arms around Wade, and they both walked away from the bench with wide smiles on their faces.

Peter was glaring as they approached.

Wade’s smile disappeared and he ducked his head.

May just grinned more, and said, “There’s my little sunshine.”

There was an involuntary twitch developing in Peter’s left eye. He knew this was a bad thing. He shook his head, and said, “I honestly can’t believe you two. Seriously. You went Christmas shopping. Christmas. Shopping.”

“Oh, don’t be such a grouch,” May said, patting him on the forearm.

Peter fish-mouthed a couple times, then said, “You staged a protest and beat a security guard with a candy cane.”

Adsits raised a hand and said, “The charges are dropped, so…”

“No!” Peter snapped. “Do not…That’s irrelevant. You had to… You…”

“The security guard decided not to press charges,” Adsits rephrased. “Wade and May were going to be leaving tonight even if I hadn’t worked out some legal magic.”

Peter heaved a heavy sigh, that headache throbbing a little harder. “Whatever. Just. Let’s get your stuff and get out of here.”

***

They took a cab back to May’s house, and it was the longest cab ride in the history of cab rides. Mainly because May and Wade were so silent, and Peter was still trying to convince himself it was a bad idea to try and choke Wade out. He was certain that at some point he would look back on this evening and laugh. But this was not that time.

At May’s house, Peter told the cabby to wait while he carried May’s bags inside. May gave Wade a big hug in the car, and thanked him for a very memorable day. Wade didn’t say anything, just hugged her like it might be the last time he got to do so.

Once inside the house, May took off her sock-monkey hat and tossed her scarf on the couch, then turned to Peter.

“Don’t you break his heart, Peter Parker,” May said sternly and without preamble. Peter rolled his eyes, and opened his mouth to make a rebuttal, but May jabbed a finger at him, and continued, “You may not understand this, but I had the best time today. Best time I’ve had since I can’t remember when.”

“You ended up in jail, Aunt May. Jail.” Peter shook his head. “How… How the hell did this become my life?”

May smiled at him, putting her hands on his shoulders to get his attention. “Because you’re damned lucky, that’s why. Now hug me and go out there and tell Wade you love him. Poor thing is probably having a panic attack.”

Peter sighed and hugged his aunt. “You are a very frustrating person, you know that right?”

“No more than you, dear boy.” She let him go, and said, “Remember what I said. Don’t break his heart, or I’ll break your nose.”

Wade was sitting with his forehead against the back of the passengers seat, and didn’t move when Peter got in the cab. Just looking at Wade, seeing how he was already beating himself up made Peter’s anger start to vaporize. He gave the cab driver the address for their apartment, then reached across the seat to rest his hand on Wade’s knee. They didn’t speak, and Wade didn’t relax.

Once they got back to the apartment, Wade walked to the couch and sat down with a heavy sigh, loosening his scarf. Peter started taking off his coat, pausing when he heard Wade say, “I’m sorry, Peter. I know you didn’t like the idea of me and Miss May doing this. You probably had a Spidey Sense about it going bad. And it did. And I’m sorry.”

Peter finished taking off his jacket, throwing it into the chair before coming over to the couch and kneeling down in front of Wade. He reached to undo the buttons of Wade’s coat, and said, “It’s okay, Wade.” He smiled, and continued as he pulled the scarf from Wade’s neck. “May said that she had the best time with you she’s ever had. Which, I can’t be pissed about. No matter what.”

Wade leaned forward, hand coming up to cup Peter’s cheek. “Still, I’m sorry.”

Peter closed the distance between them, meeting Wade in a soft kiss. Wade pulled him into his lap, turning the kiss from sweet to pure heat that had them both panting in a matter of seconds. After a couple minutes, Wade pulled back to catch his breath, and said, “Oh, baby boy. I missed you so much.”

“It’s been a day, Wade,” Peter chuckled.

“It’s lonely on the inside,” Wade said, nipping at Peter’s bottom lip. “I think your aunt was about to sell me for a pack of smokes.”

Peter burst out laughing, rolling onto the couch, and pulling Wade down on top of him. “If she has a prison tat, I’m putting that shit on facebook.”

“She might!” Wade gasped. “You don’t even know, Peter. Miss May is...surprising.”

“Yes.” Peter kissed him again, and said, “I’m glad you two got to spend the day together. Even if I ended up having to pick you up from jail.”

 


End file.
